updated application

30 Apr

I have six months of living as an unmarried woman under my belt now.  I think it’s been the most interesting six months of my entire life.  I have had some dates.  I have had some misunderstandings.  I have had a few moments of panic wherein I started to obsess that omg!  what if THIS IS REALLY IT?  What if I am going to be home alone on Friday and Saturday nights for THE REST OF MY LIFE?  What if my only friends are cats?  What if I die old, alone, and very, very well-read?  Should I be concerned that I am only interested in old books, Victorian novels?  With outdated manners and morals and customs?  Does Mr. Darcy exist? 

If he does, would he think I was cute?  And if he likes me, would I like him?  Would I want to marry him or just date him?  Recreational dating or purposeful dating?  Or no dating at all? 

There is a retro trend in those fundamentalist, homeschooling, quiverfull families called “courtship”.  They are essentially arranged marriages and dating is discouraged.  In the interest of doing whatever I can to learn about the habits and rituals of the human being in courtship, I am willing to try everything except promiscuity and staying out too late in the clubs.  So I have been reading all about courtship, and it is quite the foreign concept.  We should have coffee and talk about this.  It is completely worth a few riveting discussions.

The premise of courtship is that until you are ready to marry, you don’t go out on dates.  And once you decide that you are at the right stage in life to marry, you still don’t really go out on dates.  You just be friends.  You don’t spend much time alone together and you definitely avoid compromising situations.  And you save your first kiss for your wedding night.  I am serious.  I told you it was radical.  Apparently that’s how Jesus wants it to be.  I’m not really sold on the idea.

For one thing, my parents’ parlor and my Daddy’s shotgun are 750 miles away.  I have three children, so that cat is out of the bag.  It ain’t my first rodeo and even if you don’t get the milk for free, it’s still too late to shut the barn door.  The idea of saving the first kiss for my next wedding is laughable.  But the concept is interesting.  It’s about reclaiming your value.  Like I said, let’s all read about it and then discuss.

I am not going to Graham’s for Ladies’ Night or Men’s Night or Nickel-beer night.  I’m too old to dance in their cage or on the tables (although I do have the shoes for it).  I’m not going to the Dead Horse for Burlesque Night.  When I was in Austin, I didn’t even linger in the hotel bar, even though it is beautiful and cozy.  It may be safe to say that I’m not much on going out.  I did think the pharmacist was cute today, when I was there filling a prescription and he wasn’t wearing a wedding ring, but that may just be so that he doesn’t get it all gummed up with pink penicillin and let’s not forget to mention his full and complete access to my health history, so he can see just how much pink penicillin and doxycycline we take at my house.  And he knows how many little people I am filling prescriptions for, and he can see that someone is always sick and it must be a very unhealthy place to spend your time.  All in all, I’m not hopeful about our future together.

I’m updating the Application to Date Me.  Maybe I should rename it “Questionnaire of Consideration for Eligibility.”

Here are some possibilities.

1. Will you expect to your intended wife’s wedding vows to include the O word?  As in Obey?  Why or why not?  

2. Do you have your own health insurance?

3. Do you call when you say you will?  And generally do what you say you will?

4. On a scale of 1 to 10, how deceitful are you?  (hint, I am a 1.  As in pretty much an open book.  Or oversharer. However you want to characterize it.  I don’t like deceit, including half-truths and omissions.)

5. Will you require your own closet?

6. Do you know how to fix things around the house?  In the alternative, do you know someone who does?

7. Do you know how to apologize?

8. Can you admit when you are wrong?

9. Do you hold a grudge?

10. Of which school are you more a member in terms of marriage: “we do everything together” or “let’s get together for dinner a couple of times a month”?

11. Do you believe that the world needs more pageantry?

12. Are you capable of leaving your cell phone in the car or at home during an evening out?

13. Are fresh flowers ever a waste of money simply because they die?

14. If she’s a mother, but she’s not your mother or even your children’s mother, do you celebrate Mother’s Day with her?

15. What was the last book you read?

16. Do you like pina coladas?

17. How do you feel about getting caught in the rain?

18. Would you be embarrassed to be seen riding in the car with someone who was singing her heart out?  What if they were showtunes?

As I review these questions, it occurs to me that I am a little less terrified to go out on a date now than I once was.  Maybe that’s what they mean by time heals all wounds.  A friend wants to set me up with a game warden.  Says he’s kind of “game-warden-ish.”  Like that’s a negative.  You see, I am a prosecutor.  Meaning we would have our self-righteousness in common.  And a general disapproval of shooting more than one’s limit and other unsportsmanlike behavior.  A love for rules.  He’s armed.  Hopefully not dangerous. I think it sounds like a match made in heaven.  We will see how he does on the questionnaire.


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