Date a Girl who Prosecutes

8 Apr

Date a girl who prosecutes. 

When you are introduced to her, offer up your name, date of birth, social security number, Texas Prison ID number (if applicable), plus the cause numbers of any civil or criminal actions pending in the district or county courts of this state, any other state, or the United States.  Be prepared to discuss any all predilections for your page seven arousal list.  If you are an attorney, she will ask for your State Bar Number and check to see whether you are in compliance with your continuing ed requirements.  If you are not an attorney, she may ask for references.  Give her as many as you can think of because she will certainly have a lot of questions about you.

Be aware that a perceived over-interest in her children will raise the issue of whether you are a pedophile.  Wait until she asks you to meet them.  Think that’s a pretty warped mindset.  Understand later that’s just the tip of the iceberg about her level of suspicion.  Feel lucky you have even made it this far in the game.  Become aware that there are some major boundaries at work.  And that where her children are concerned, the fences are lined with razor-wire.

Don’t be surprised if she won’t accept your facebook friend request.  Or if she does accept it, she may delete you one night while doing some light housecleaning.  She was raised to hate clutter.  You can always reapply.  You didn’t know what songs those lyrics came from or care what her cute kid said anyway.

Understand if she will only meet you in a public place and brings a friend or two along on your dates.  She has been warned about men like you.  And she considers herself a poor judge of character at this point, and thinks her friends probably know better than she does what’s good for her.  Watch her write down your license plate numbers on the Starbucks brown recycled-paper-from-Washington-state-where-they-care-about-these-things napkin.  Take note as she sidles up next to the car to get a better view into your tinted backseat windows.

Listen to her frustrations when yet another family violence victim recants and she is forced to compromise on a case she felt strongly about.  Hear her out as she asks why she even bothers.  Tell her that the world needs good people like her to see that justice prevails.  Have no answer when she asks “well where’s the justice in this case?”  Argue when she says “I’m not good.  I’m just tenacious and obnoxiously sanctimonious.”  Realize that she is correct.  Laugh in solidarity when she says “oh well,  job security.”

Don’t mind when your dining room table becomes trial-prep central and you can’t avoid photos of people covered in blood.  Try to disregard the voluminous medical reports and photos of injuries.  Don’t let it ruin your appetite.  She won’t.  If she did, she would never eat and waste away to nothing.  Don’t say “hey, now there’s an idea.”

Wonder how to answer when she asks you “pretty or smart?” while she’s dressing for court.  Figure out that smart means glasses and pretty is contacts.  Decide that the safe response is “both.”  Hand her a package of cheese-crackers and a bottle of water for her lunch, realizing that she may only get to eat while she strikes her jury list.  Carry her giant file and all her pens to the car for her. 

 See her take the courthouse steps two at a time because she is so enthused and confident about her case.  Smile as she breezes through security past all the defendants who have to remove their belts and shoes while they are screened.  Watch her balance her coffee cup on her files as she presses the “up” button for the elevator.  Notice how she breathes a big sigh of relief that nobody gets on the elevator with her.  Now there’s no need for small talk that will interfere with her last-minute mental preparations.

Watch her stride into the courtroom and up the aisle.  See how the bailiff accosts her for bringing her coffee cup inside this most sacred spot in the halls of justice.  Hear her tell the bailiff that she has three children and was up half the night preparing her case for court and that she will be worse than useless if she can’t ingest at least half of the McDonald’s size large coffee with one cream.  Besides, she will add, the judge gets to drink coffee.  Hear the bailiff say “That’s because he’s the judge. Take it outside, Missy.” 

Watch her turn her evilest-eye to the bailiff as she sets down her carefully-prepared case files on the counsel table before taking it outside.  Overhear the nicer bailiff, the one from Courtroom A ask her if she has Jesus in her heart and hear her answer, “Well, of course I do.”   And then he says “I can tell because you are always smiling.”  If you could read her mind, you would see her wondering what in the world he means by THAT?  She is always smiling because she is so wound up from the coffee-with-cream and crying about it would just ruin her makeup.

Do send her text messages telling her you are rooting for her.  Don’t wait up.  Do laugh when you receive text messages that say things like “karma is a muthafukka” and know she is telling you that because she thinks it’s the funniest thing she’s ever heard a defendant say.  Send back a text that says “lol.”

Recognize that a unanimous verdict of guilt “beyond a reasonable doubt” is a very high burden to meet.  Know that hers is a tough and frustrating job.  Realize that being able to see the absurdity and the foibles of all mankind are central to her being able to do it.  That and the health insurance.  Do your part to encourage her and make her laugh.  It’s the only thing that works.

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2 Responses to “Date a Girl who Prosecutes”

  1. Tifani April 8, 2011 at 3:35 am #

    I hope this isn’t creepy, but I just told Clif that if I die he has total permission to move to Texas and marry you.

  2. brightenthecorner April 8, 2011 at 3:51 am #

    I have always wanted 7 children – especially if 4 of them are redheads. If anything happens to Clif, you can move out here and we can just live together.

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