21 Dec

I went out tonight with a friend and we talked about EVERYthing.  We are very close.  Even though she frustrates me with her actions and I offend her with all my opinionated talk.  It’s kind of a mimicry of my relationship with my mother.  I frustrate her and she decides what’s best for me and takes matters into her own hands.  On my computer.  So that I can see the ways in which she would like to make over my life, if only I would let her.  And I probably would be better off, but it feels like relinquishing my independence, and really, who wants that?

But enough about me.  Back to my friend.  She is suffering.  And I would love to undo what she has done and all the ways in which she has given herself away.  Luckily, she has me and so many others who love her and we are doing all we can to stop the bleeding.  But tourniquets hurt too.  Especially when you are accustomed to emotional hemorrhage.  It’s not easy to just shut it off.  But from the outside, we can all see that it must be quelled.  And soon, or there won’t be anything left of our sweet friend.

I think that the hardest thing to learn is how to give enough of yourself without giving it all away.  Some of us are so lucky enough to have been born into families where the parents continue to really love each other.  That’s her curse, and it’s mine.  So when our first marriages didn’t make it, we are convinced that this sort of love must be out there somewhere.  And that we have to find it.  But that’s the wrong approach.  Too much too soon is always wrong.

And we shouldn’t approach our futures from a sense of loss.  Instead, we are better served to live from a position of abundance.  We already have enough.  We already are enough.  What we need will be provided.  We don’t need to look for anything.  There’s nothing that is missing.  All is well.  Let’s just bask in the perfection for a little while.  It won’t always be like this.


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