All I want for Christmas

2 Dec

I already have plenty of teeth, thanks.  In fact I have too many as I never had my wisdom teeth out as a child.  I really regret it now, because I hear that they will eventually have to come out, and since I am emancipated, I will have to pay for my own dental extraction. 
And don’t worry.  this isn’t a pseudo-lecture about the intangibles: love, world peace, an end to hunger, a beginning to social justice.  Clean water all around.  I am a fan of those things.  That would be nice, but I don’t think that any of you have the ability to give me any of that stuff.
It would be so admirable if each of you would adopt a homeless dog, cat or orphan, but if you’re a friend of mine, you probably already have a house-full of animals and have or have had a bunch of children.  If not, by all means, get you one.  I am living proof that your life will be enhanced by sharing it with dependents.  But that’s not what I want you to get ME for Christmas.  You should get a living creature for YOU.  I have plenty.
What I want for Christmas are the tangibles.  Preferably expensive, but there are a few inexpensive things on the list as well.
I want some perfume.  I don’t know what kind.  Something pretty that doesn’t smell mom-ish. Something alluring that says with its scent: “Why yes, I am very interesting.  How can you tell?”  With a child-proof lid to protect it from Anna, who also likes to smell nice.
I want some more art.  I know that I just got a beautiful oil painting of cows in a purple field, but that wasn’t for Christmas, was it?  I thought that was my hostess gift for having Thanksgiving.  I did cook a turkey, after all.  I think I would like a Robin Whitfield. The one I like is charmlessly called “Lizard’s Tail and Swamp Decay”.  The painting is far lovelier and brighter than the name would suggest.  Robin doesn’t know me, but she may want to hire me to name her paintings.  I could increase her business.  I would call this one “Bygones of the bayou with verdigris-reptilia.”
I want someone to build me a nice kennel for the hounds.  One is ruining my yard, another walks out the back door, crawls under the fence and starts scratching at the kitchen door.  A third barks all night and the neighbors are annoyed.  The others are pretty well-behaved, all things considered.  They can stay in the house with me. 
I want books, books, books and time to read them.  Someone who reads this little blog laughed at me today because I had my kindle with me in the courtroom.  But I had to be there for 2 hours and pleas are so boring, and I just hardly have a speaking role in the proceedings except to say “the State offers the Waiver and Stipulation into Evidence.”  Guilty pleas have such a rhythm to them that it’s like driving.  You get in the car, and the next thing you know, you are home.  You hardly remember the drive at all.  My speaking roles are just like stopping at a red light.  Auto-pilot.  I don’t even have to look up from the kindle to answer.
I want a laptop so that I can write to you all from my warm, cozy bed and not have to sit in that hard, uncomfortable chair.  Do you see how I suffer for you?  But as long as y’all will read, I will write, because it’s better than having everybody asking each other “how’s Claire?” all the time.  My friends and family (you) can just say “here’s her blog.  She seems fine/crazy/stressed/overwhelmed/happy/energetic/morose/thoughtful/suicidal/homicidal/depressed/silly/bored/in trial/particularly jubilant today.” and then you don’t have to constantly answer questions.  And you don’t have to call me to know that I am still among the living.  Although I do love it when you call.
Apparently I want and can’t live without an electric mattress warmer.  It will improve my life in ways I can’t even imagine, according to more than one of my friends.
I want a yardman who is not socially invested.  My previous yardman abandoned me after a misunderstanding in the neighborhood about who is friends with whom and who might be excluding someone else and he is not even a girl, but apparently it mattered more than I thought, and I just need some drama-free yard tending.
I have never turned down jewelry.  Admit it – you haven’t either.  All that bling is good for the soul.  It keeps one’s spirits high.

 As I think of more, I will let you know.  We still have 23 shopping days, thanks to the internet and the demise of the Blue Laws.

Now what can I get for YOU?


3 Responses to “All I want for Christmas”

  1. Esmer December 3, 2010 at 3:31 pm #

    I would like your holiday schedule, so I can bring by gifts for the children (and maybe a little something for their wonderful mother) at a time when at least one or two of them are home! 🙂

    • brightenthecorner December 3, 2010 at 3:39 pm #

      hey E! they are in Nutcracker on the 17/18/19 and with me all weekend. Then on Sunday after the performances, they go with Hal until the 28th. 28th and on they are back with me again. Now what do YOU want for Christmas from your fairy godchildren?

  2. Tifani December 5, 2010 at 2:46 am #

    You NEED the electric mattress warmer. No question.

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